MATCH REPORT: DIVERSITY UNITED

Image: Andrew Hazelden

Final Score: 15–0 

Venue: Fortress Rotherfield 

Date: A gloriously September afternoon

Rotherfield Vets kicked off their home campaign in style — well, eventually — against Diversity United Vets, on a pitch so lush it could’ve hosted a David Attenborough documentary. The recent rains had done wonders, and so had the squad list: a whopping 24 players available, which is either a manager’s dream or a logistical nightmare.

Manager McInnes, ever the diplomat, gave minutes to those yet to feature this season. In came John Penny, Seb Chick, Wayne Robshaw (who’d already played that morning in Lancing), and Paul Barnes, who jetted in from Paris with international clearance in hand. Très bien.

As the lads limbered up under Garrett’s famously vigorous warm-up routine, one question loomed: where on earth were Diversity United?

McInnes tried calling every number on their team sheet. No luck. Then, at 13:44, a single car rolled in with five bewildered opposition players. Cue frantic checks of the welcome letter — yes, correct postcode, yes, correct kick-off time, yes, it was indeed an 11-a-side match.

Eventually, enough players trickled in to start the game, with Diversity fielding nine men and one more en route (and soon leave again after being sin-binned).

Despite the chaos, Rotherfield were in no mood to be complacent. Penny set the tone early by somehow ballooning over the bar from point-blank range—perhaps aiming for the moon?

The breakthrough came on 14 minutes: DT latched onto a Garrett through-ball and slotted home. Ten minutes later, Garrett turned provider again, this time for Alex Thompson, who made it 2–0. The floodgates opened. Goals from Wilkins, Brooker (x2), Seb Chick, and Taylor saw the Greens cruise into halftime at 7–0.

The second half saw the bench emptied: Brunger, Barnes, Watson, Burton, and Cullum all joined the fray. Taylor and Brooker, both stuck on two goals, were visibly twitchy. Clibbens, meanwhile, was lobbying hard to play up front, worried his top scorer crown was under siege.

The Greens didn’t let up. Penny nodded in the easiest of headers, and Clibbens made a 100-metre dash from centre-back when a penalty was awarded to bury his third of the season—Usain Bolt would’ve been proud.

Taylor and Brooker returned with vengeance, combining beautifully to torment the now-exhausted defence. Taylor bagged a second-half hat-trick (five goals total), Brooker completed his own treble, and Cullum, Wilkins, and Barnes added to the tally.

Final score: 15–0. Yes, you read that right. That’s as many goals as Rotherfield scored in the entirety of last season. A strange game, but a memorable one.

Next up: the short trip up the B2100 to Jarvis Brook on 5th October for what’s being dubbed the Vets’ El Clásico. Bring popcorn.

🧑‍💼 Squad List

Starters:

W. Robshaw, A. Garrett, C. King, M. McGuire, S. Chick, J. Penny, B. Brooker, R. Clibbens, A. Thompson, E. Wilkins, , D. Taylor

Finishers:

N. Watson, J. Cullum, P. Barnes, J. Burton, G. Brunger